No Hands But Ours post

I recently wrote a guest post for an adoption website. You can read it here:http://www.nohandsbutours.com/category/congenital-nevus/


I promise I will update this blog soon!!

The knock that changed everything

14 years ago at around 2:30am there was a loud knock on our door. You know when there is someone at your door in the middle of the night, it can’t be good news. You brace yourself when you open the door.  There are no greetings, it is said right away, “Mom’s gone”. You never forget that moment, you never  forget the feeling that takes over your whole body. You never forget the shock, even though you’ve been living with this possibility for a very long time. You know right away how it happened. You’ve been scared for many years this would happen, even more scared to be the one to find her. You’ve prayed long and hard for her suffering to end, but this was NOT the outcome you were praying for. From this day forward you are a changed person, you will never be the same person you were just a minute before. This moment will shape the rest of your life. Her suffering had ended, while ours had just begun. 

My mom lived a life of many trials. She lived and survived through sexual abuse, she had chronic pain from fibromyalgia, she had arthritis, she got migraines often, she had hearing/ear problems that resulted in her losing her hearing completely for a whole year before she was able to receive a cochlear implant and she suffered from depression. Depression is hard. Hard to understand, hard to live with, hard to watch and hard to accept. My mom was a fighter! She fought and she fought long and hard. She died from depression. Yes on paper you could say she died from suicide, she took her own life. In the end she had a mental illness. And she died from it. Saying “suicide” makes people gasp a bit, and then there is awkward silence. Nobody knows what to say when you tell them it was suicide. Why? I thought we had gotten past the taboo’s. I guess not. Unless you’ve lived with it, or with someone that suffers from it, you just don’t know. It’s not something “you just get over”. It’s not something that requires a better faith life. It’s a mental health illness. And my mom lived with it, day in and day out for years. Until that one moment when she couldn't fight anymore. So we live with that, and somehow we feel ashamed that she “gave up”.  Yet, we forget to see how she fought. She was brave to face her demons from the past. She was strong to put her chronic pain aside and go out and rejoice with others in their joy. She had courage to confront her abuser. She had faith in God to carry her through and to fight the good fight. 

Centuries ago it used to be that suicide was this unforgivable sin. Those who took their own life were underserving of a Christian funeral and burial. They were condemned to Hell. I thought and believed that that was old thinking. Our family found out that unfortunately there are still some (very few but they are out there) people who still believe this lie. And they felt the need to express this to us in our grief as well. That was a shock. Do they not believe that God is a God of grace and forgiveness? She was His child, He was there in her suffering, He never left her. Why did God allow this to happen, we don’t know, we don’t understand it and we never will know or understand on this side of heaven. Yet, we trust Him and we know that His plan is perfect. I see God there beside her and picking her up and telling her that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore, that she’s His child and not even her mental illness could change that. I will see her again, of that I am absolutely sure of. 

I choose to remember how my mom lived when she was well rather than to dwell on how she died. She loved to make things for people or buy gifts for them. She did it all quietly and without wanting or needing recognition. When I was working at the Visser’s, the first Christmas I was there (and the first Christmas they had without their mom) she sent me a quite a bit of money to buy them all gifts and then while they were in B.C. for Christmas my dad dressed as Santa and delivered all those gifts to those 8 kids. Just one example of her generosity. She had quite the sense of humor. She had a strong faith life. She was kind and patient and a women of few words. She was a good listener. I remember once sitting in the hallway with a notepad eavesdropping on her phone conversation with one of her friends. I had noticed many times before that she hardly would say anything on the phone even though she was on for a good half hour. So I listened and wrote down all the “yeah”’s she said. It was two pages (both sides long) of “yeah”’s. She was creative, thoughtful and loving. I’m proud to say that she was my mother. In good, bad, hard, sad and difficult times, I’m thankful for her. For everything she taught me. For everything she was, for everything God brought her through. Mostly I am so thankful she fought for as long as she did and that God was there in her darkest hours. 

Depression is hard. There is no cure. If you know someone who suffers and you suspect (or maybe they’ve hinted or told you) they are suicidal, don’t wait it out. Don’t hope that tomorrow it will be better, seek help immediately. Ask them point blank if they’ve thought about it, get them to sign a contract saying that they will tell/call you if they ever do.  It’s hard to talk about, but sometimes necessary. Let’s all keep those who suffer (and those who live with/support them) in our daily prayers. To those who suffer, I am so sorry you have to go through this trial and carry this burden, just remember that God is going through it with you, even when it feels like He isn’t there. 

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping on the couch 

In Costco 

In my bed

And in her own bed

This girl knows how to sleep!! 

Picture update #2

Playing before her first Dentist appointment 

She had a deep cavity that need to be fixed. She did great. I mean she cried through the whole thing but she was brave before and after. It was over and done with in 3 minutes, it was amazing! They were so great, I even got to hold her while they did it. I took her for some hot chocolate afterwards. Well deserved! 

Me and my girl

Dylan is losing his teeth! 

We took Anna swimming for the first time, she was very excited to go, though I'm not sure she even knew what we were doing. Her swimsuit is a tad too big and more for outside protective swimwear but it was all I had for her. 

I attempted the ponytail again. Still not a hit with some. 

She is getting better (slowly) at playing with other kids that come over. She's also come a long ways with sharing, we still are working on it but it's a big improvement. 

She wore her traditional Chinese dress and slippers for Chinese New Year. 

Notice anything different?? 

I was babysitting this cutie and he was sad when his mom left and Anna came over and started rubbing his back and head. It was very touching and sweet. 

Love this!!!

Some more friends to play with!

She's developed a love for books. She doesn't always sit through a whole book (unless it's short) but she loves looking at them herself. 

It may seem like Joel is not part of our family by looking at the pictures, but it's only because he doesn't like me posting the ones with him. So I'll just post pics of drawings I find......I found this "doodle" is Joel's school book. 

This one he's working on at home. 

Just one picture.......I can't help it....

Yeah!! Some nice weather to play outside!! 

Latest hairstyle. Haha! Didn't go over well either, apparently she resembles an alien. Lol!!

Picture update #1

We got a new nephew on New Years Eve!! Benjamin Faber, what a cutie! 

Thankful everything went well and he arrived safe and sound. 

So happy to go see the Plastic Surgeon @ Children's Hospital! 

I got her to smile though! Soon after this picture she slept the whole 2 hrs there ( and then again on the way home) 

It was beautiful weather to be driving in......

Dylan didn't miss us too bad, ha! 

Might need to put her in piano lessons in a few years

Halfway through cutting Tyler's hair, he's pretty cool. 

Trying out new hairstyles. She was so excited about this ponytail. She was skipping and saying "ponytail, ponytail!" 

Things got really exciting when I added a bow. The boys thought it looked ridiculous, saying she looked like Minnie Mouse. Ryan didn't like it either. 

They were playing school, Tyler was the teacher and Anna took it very seriously. 

And yes that's our tree still up in the middle of January, don't judge. 

Being Elmo is exhausting! 

However being a minister is pretty exciting! 

Feeding her baby

And then it was time for the baby to get ready for church, so Anna got her shoes and put them on her. They might be a bit too big though. Ha! 

Goodbye 2015, hello 2016

Well awhile ago we got a tiny bit of snow but it was enough for a very small snowman. 

This is our snow Anna, in other words wet slush. 

Tyler and Anna were looking at pictures together on the couch and I was coming to take a picture of them when Tyler said to Anna, "pretend you're asleep!" Well she tried, ha! 

This is Anna's sad face. I can't remember what she was sad about but she recovered pretty quick. 

She LOVES to help me make coffee. "Anna help, Anna help!!" 

She even stirs it for me and does a sniff test when done. Mmmmm coffee.....

Last day of school before Christmas break the younger grades went roller skating. Dylan loved having an audience, he slammed and fell into the boards a few times trying to get her attention or wave at her. 

She found it all very intriguing. I think she would have been all for giving it a try herself. Maybe next year. 

Here she is leaning over the boards with her hand out for everyone to slap as they went by. 

And then on the way home she fell asleep (of course), which worked out well because we had a Trivan dinner that night and she just stayed up till we got back. She did really well with us leaving together and oh man she had a lot of stories to tell when I got home. I think she liked it that her cousin Jaymie babysat. 

Can't believe they are ours!! I've loved seeing a whole other side to each of them since Anna's been home. We have ALL been so blessed to have her in our family. God knew all along.....

First Christmas home!!! 

It's hard to get a good picture of her because she's always moving and she can be quite the ham too. 

I have a really cute picture of Joel doing a puzzle with Anna but he has requested I not post it, so I shall respect his wishes. It's really cute though.....

Anna's been sleeping in her big bed now and it's a good thing I have the bed rail! Haha!! 

Haha! 

Her hair is growing and I even managed to get a little clip in it recently. Yeah!!

Really? Another one??

Superman and Elmo. I think they should make a movie together. :) 

Anna "helping" me do a puzzle. She just forces pieces together and then is quite proud of herself. 

Taking her shirt off tonight, it got stuck and she thought it was hilarious and started running all over the house showing everyone. And then Ryan was coming and she wanted to surprise him. 

Of course if you cover your face no one can see you. Haha! More pics of Christmas to follow......till then HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!